It's 5 o'clock (AM) Somewhere

I've had writer's block for quite some time. Every few weeks, I say to myself, "You should really update that blog of yours, woman." And then I can't come up with anything that is particularly witty or insightful that I feel like sharing. Today, I lower my standards. You've been warned.

A few weeks ago, my life changed dramatically with the appearance of two little pink lines on a plastic stick. Leave it to me to experience the most pivotal moment of my life thus far in a bathroom. Questionable atmoshpere notwithstanding, I was pretty immediately very excited. Of course, I was simultaneously completely frappin' terrified, but I'm definitely leaning more towards excited.

Those of you who know me well know that I've never been the most maternal of girls. Now you also know that I love to death my niece and my two nephews. And that I'd do anything in the world for them. Provided that 'anything in the world' does not involve poop, snot, vomit or pretty much any other disgusting bodily fluid. I wish I were exaggerating, but thems the facts, Jack. If there is ANYbody else around, en route, or quickly summonable when disaster strikes, I'm not getting my hands dirty. I've tried it. Don't like it. Almost hurled on a young Brayden once. Learned my lesson. You have to play to your strengths in life. Turns out my strengths lie in feeding them candy and finding funny YouTube videos to watch together. I'm told that the whole diaper dilemma is "different when it's your child." I would love for that to be the case, but I gotta admit, I'm harboring some serious doubt.

I have always thought that being pregnant seemed like, well, a pain in the ass. A little person inside you, making themselves at home, moving and kicking you, making your butt double in size, and then having the nerve to want to come out!?!?! My sister and my friends all talk about how much they LOVED being pregnant. I figured either it was one of those you-had-to-be-there kind of things, or that I was just wired wrong. Because there was not a whole lot about what I witnessed during their pregnancies that looked like a party to me. Well, here I am. Pregnant. And if the last few weeks are any indication, I think I'm gonna have to go with the alternative wiring.

So far, pregnancy has proven to be every bit as uncomfortable and inconvenient as I'd imagined it to be. Between the all-day morning sickness, terrible insomnia, and a newly heightened sense of smell that would make a bloodhound green with envy, I am keeping pretty busy. And still I manage to find the time to pee every 2 or 3 hours. Yeah, Melissa, I can see why you love this so much. This is the stuff dreams are made of. :)

And, oh man, the cravings! Most of the time, nothing in the world sounds even remotely edible to me. But I'm told I have to eat, so I spend a considerable amount of time scrolling through a mental list of every food I've ever tasted and liked even a little bit. Sometimes this is an exercise in futility. Other times, I come up with one very random thing that I suddenly don't think I can survive without for a moment longer. First it was banana peppers. Then it was frozen SmartOnes Ravioli. Last week my nephew gave me my first Sour Patch Kid. I drove to a convenience store late that night to get my own bag. Tonight I ate a bowl of papaya and pineapple, topped with chopped walnuts, shredded cheddar and whipped cream. I know, I know. But it was HEAVENLY! As strange as the cravings are, the aversions are definitely worse. Suddenly things I used to LOVE make me literally ill to even think about. At least I still love salad.

I know I'm doing a lot of complaining here. That's because this mess is rough! It's early days though, so perhaps my views will change as the time goes by. I remain extremely excited about the end result. Not entirely sure what in the world I'm gonna do with this little creature once it gets here, but I know we'll work it out. :) And I know that I have THE greatest bunch of family and friends that I can turn to for answers and support, and for that I am immeasurably grateful this Thanksgiving.

New Tunes

It seems, the older I get, I find that my new favorite songs are my old favorite songs.  From the Beatles to The Who to the Black Crowes to Radiohead, that stuff never gets old.  And for the most part, when I'm paying attention, I just can't get into some of the crap they call music today.  I just don't get Lady Gaga, and thus far I seem to be immune to 'Bieber Fever'.  Creepy is what that is.  But every once in a while, I come across an exception, be it something I hear in a movie or a suggestion from a friend.  Today, a friend recommeded a band called Broken Bells.  I checked out one song on YouTube and immediately ordered the whole album for 5 bucks on Amazon (mp3 download).  I have been listening to it all day, every chance I got, and it is amazing.  James Mercer from the Shins has collaborated with Danger Mouse aka producer-musician Brian Burton to make a listen-on-repeat worthy album.  I love discovering new music, and I love to share it.  Have a listen, and maybe you'll feel the same way.

Time to Bust out the Nerve Pills

So, yeah.  I'm afraid of fireworks.  Seriously, ridiculously afraid of fireworks.  As in, can not be in a room with a firework of any kind even if they were soaking in water.  Crazy, you're thinking, right?  But it doesn't end there.  Balloons, rubber bands (that are being pointed at me in a threatening manner), canned biscuits, putting air in my tires - all the stuff of nightmares to me.  If there is the slightest potential of it exploding, I am running the other way.  The kids find this hilarious.  The little sadists chase me with balloons!  My shrieking retreats never fail to amuse.  I have always been treated in similar fashion by co-workers, upon their discovery of my phobia.  And, yes, it is an actual phobia.  My sister is afflicted as well.  Obviously this is discrimination of the cruelest variety.  Everybody's afraid of something.  How about if I started chasing some of my friends around with snakes or spiders?  Not so funny then, huh? 

Needless to say, this is not my favorite time of the year.  Go America, and all, but keep your firecrackers.  Give me some earplugs and a valium, and wake me up sometime next week, when all the explosive patriotism has died down.

On the Other Side of a Broken Heart

OK. So I’ll admit it. With the dearth of decent summer television programming, I’ve somehow gotten myself into So You Think You Can Dance. If you can get past all the regular obnoxious competition stuff, which actually isn’t as bad as on sister show American Idol, these dancers are amazingly talented. So last night, one of the dances was choreographed to a song by an artist I’d never heard of. And the lyrics were just beautiful. So I looked it up. Apparently along with a million other people. According to the artist’s Facebook page, before the show had even aired on the west coast, her song was already at #24 on iTunes, and she had become the number 1 google search. She doesn’t have an album out yet, but with her talent, I’d anticipate one soon.

To shift subjects for a moment, I’d like to share some wisdom that was imparted to me by one of the most amazing people that have made an appearance in my life. In high school, I met William ‘Top’ Bozel. He was a retired Marine, and was our drill instructor in JROTC. Top certainly inspired fear in many, but was one of the kindest, funniest men when you got to know him outside of drill practice. I stayed in touch with him after graduation, and even nearly ten years later, I couldn’t run into him anywhere without getting a hug and his dropping his classic line, “You married yet? No? Then I still have a chance.” He was quite the charmer.

Just before beginning my freshman year of college, I got my heart broken. Sure life would never be the same and that nobody had felt the way I did right then, I found Top at Leon High, helping them to establish their Marine Corps JROTC program. He could tell I wasn’t doing so well, and he offered an ear. He sat stoically and silently as I recounted the story of my betrayal and cried. When I finished talking, he looked at me and said, “Let me tell you one thing I’ve learned in my life. THEY ALWAYS COME BACK.” For a moment I thought he meant I’d get my boyfriend back and all would be right in my world again. But he continued, “The best revenge you can get is to live your life and be happy without him. It could be months, it could be years, but they always come back. And by then, you will have moved on and you probably won’t have the time of day for him. But mark my words, he’ll be back.”

I eventually got past my pain, got on with my life and was doing pretty well in my first apartment. Truly having the time of my life! I lived to love again, and yes, to lose again. I didn't hear from my high school heartbreaker for a long time.  But I never forgot Top’s words of wisdom. And one day, quite out of the blue, I got a surprise visitor. I’ll just leave it at Top was right. They do always come back, and the other side of rejection ain't half bad.

That being said, I’ll get back to the song. It’s called “Jar of Hearts” and it is beautifully sung by Christina Perri. The song is about a girl, who got her heart broken, and  has just barely gotten past it when, lo and behold, he comes back. It’s something I think most of us can relate to. And I thought I’d share it with you. Following the video, I have recorded the lyrics. So listen, let me know what you think. And remember, those of you with broken hearts, “they always come back.”



Jar of Hearts - Christina Perri

No I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time


CHORUS:
And who do you think you are?
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?


I hear you’re asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half a life
And now you want me one more time

(CHORUS)

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises

And now you’re back
You don't get to get me back

(CHORUS)
Don't come back at all

(CHORUS)
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Oh, the Irony...

I know it's been a while since I posted. LJ says 60 weeks. That seems like a lot, but I guess they would know. And now that I'm finally compelled to write, it is my active lack of interest in my subject that moves me to do so. I am just so ridiculously tired of hearing about Tiger Woods and who is or was or will be in his bed that I am ready to take a driver to the television. Who cares?!?! Seriously? It's none of my business. It's none of your business. What does it matter? The man is a golf player, not the second coming of Christ. I have long despised with a deep and abiding passion those disgusting 'entertainment news magazines' (that's what I just heard one of them call themselves), but you know what I'm talking about - the tabloid TV trash. My Mom watches two, back to back, swearing they have different 'news'. I can't even be in the same room. But occasionally, I'll be watching something I've DVR'ed and when it ends, that's what's playing and I hear a minute of the tripe before I can get to the remote to change the channel. One of the bubble heads on one ET or some similar show was discussing the 'Tiger Woods Investigation', yes she ACTUALLY called it that. An investigation. Really? Digging up dirt on the private life of someone who is now virtually unemployed is not an investigation, it's being nosy and then gossiping about it. But what really touched my heart was when another of the ladies (I use the term loosely) said that who she felt sorry for was "Poor Elin", what with her life falling apart so publicly and all. Oh, really? That's sweet of you. So shut up! And stop 'investigating' her marriage. Idiot. Seems like that might take a little of the public embarrassment part out of it. Leave people alone. Man, I really hate stupid people. Oh, look! Looks like I care after all.

Overachiever?

So I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Actually, that would be an understatement. I've been going days without sleeping plus having migraines, both of which are triggers of sorts for sleepwalking. Though to call what I do 'sleepwalking' seems something akin to calling what Michelangelo did 'doodling'. I seem to go all out. When I do mercifully doze off, I've been waking up in strange places like outside on the porch or sitting up on the edge of the bed, both of which are remarkably uncomfortable. Particularly as the temperature outside drops into the 40s. I also do lots of weird things. But today was a doozy.

Oddity

How strange it seems that when your world is brought to a screeching, crumbling halt around you for whatever the reason, everyone else's world continues right on spinning. How utterly and completely...strange.

My Election Post-Mortem

OK. So I'm a little peeved at the moment. And all of my faithful readers know by now that me peeved + blog generally = more than a little profanity. But in my ongoing effort to become more ladylike, I am trying to avoid the gratuitous four-letter french, so here goes nothing.

I couldn't be happier about the outcome of our most recent presidential election. My computer has been inoperable for a few weeks now rendering me unable to comment thus far, but my new one came hours ago and now I am free to run my mouth as much as I'd like. Barack Obama is the first presidential candidate in more than a decade that I've been able to vote for not because I see him as the lesser of two evils but because I truly believe in him. I've been watching him for a long time, read both his books, and sincerely believe him to be genuinely concerned with and committed to making this country better, not just for the affluent among us, but also the for the average Joe, whom at least financially I fall somewhere below. I hate it for those friends of mine who are seriously concerned that he will be president, but I believe that four years will prove him to be a man of his word and alleviate at least some of their fears. I know what it's like to honestly believe the wrong man got the job when you care about your country. I experienced that in both of the last two elections, and neither time was I ever given reason to feel otherwise. I can only hope it will be different for the Republican voters this go-round.

All that being said, I have not been able to fully enjoy what I see as a victory for the pall cast by the passage of Amendment 2. It makes me sad. Sad for friends of mine. Sad for Florida. Sad for my country, and for what I see as blatant disregard for the constitution that I hold so dear. The passage of this amendment, in my opinion, has set us back years where civil rights are concerned. And it's pathetic.

There are those who will justify the passage of this amendment by saying that marriage is not a civil right. That it's not guaranteed by the constitution. I'll grant you that. But neither does this great document apply only to straight men. We became a country after our founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, which stated pretty unequivocally that "all men are created equal." It didn't mention race, though it was a long, hard battle to eventually include our African-American brethren in the concept. And it didn't mention gender, though women fought for and eventually won their spot under the umbrella of said equality. And it most certainly does not mention sexual orientation. So why are we now excluding those citizens?

What Amendment 2 and other laws like it boil down to, however you feel about homosexuality as a lifestyle, is a different set of laws for a specific group of people. And that's not the way things are supposed to be. Not in America. The laws are supposed to apply to everyone the same way, regardless of race, age, gender, socioeconomic status and even sexual preference. It is mind-boggling to me that after so many mistakes in the past, we are still unable to see that. And here we go again. It's discriminatory. It's small-minded. It's bigotry, all dressed up as some ill-conceived "defense of marriage" horseshit, and passed by people that I just can't understand. And I've tried. I've discussed the matter ad nauseum, and I've yet to receive a satisfactory explanation. Most of those I've spoken with have used their religious beliefs as a shield to any serious intellectual debate. And that really, REALLY pisses me off. There are a lot of people in this country breaking a lot of commandments, many of them sitting next to you in church on Sunday, but we don't relegate them to some sub-standard position in our society, nor do we make a different set of laws for them. This is bigotry. Plain and simple. And those who would hide behind religion, or purport to use their Bible's to legitimize said bigotry are ABSOLUTELY NO BETTER than those who did the same to legitimize their racism or sexism in years past.

To those who think they've struck a blow against homosexuality in the name of Jesus I would beg strongly to differ. You've struck a blow alright. But it was a blow for intolerance, for bigotry, and for hatred. There's not a single person out there who was gay before the election and is suddenly straight afterward. And there's not a single person out there that is considering the so-called error of their ways and looking to Christianity or Christians to be brought to the path of so-called righteousness. All you've done is prove to them that Christians have no room for them in their world, and consider them the lowest of the low. You've only alienated them further. Way to go, guys. WWJD? I dare say not that.

I hope one day you are all as ashamed of yourselves as I am. And for those of you who seriously think that your marriage is somehow 'safer' or stronger because this discriminatory amendment passed? You're more naïve than I thought. If another couple's love and commitment to one another is seriously a threat in any way to your marriage, then you are part of the problem.

Shame on this state. When this law gets changed, like all bigoted, discriminatory laws have in the past, (even in the south!), you better believe I'll be saying I told you so.

Is Mine the Only Inbox on Idiocy Overload?

I don't know about you, but I have pretty much had all I can take of the ludicrous, inflammatory, irrelevant, often completely fictional e-mail forwards I get every day. Maybe it's just my family (the source of 90% of the tripe I receive on a daily basis). It's tiresome. It clogs up my inbox. And it often makes me sad.

It is sad to me how quick people are to click that forward button and send loads of pure horseshit to everybody on their mailing list, without any regard for truth. It generally takes about 5 seconds to Google whatever inflammatory crap has your knickers in a twist, and find out that it is wholly without fact. That part pisses me off. Because that means people must either just not care, or that they actually believe their own hype. And at least a few of the zillions of people they forward it to are going to believe it too. These beliefs, however misguided, are what shape people's realities, their perceptions of the world. And maybe most unfortunately, these people, along with their distorted realities, are going to be voting in a few weeks.

I've read recently that Obama is the anti-Christ in an email claiming to quote scripture that just doesn't exist, forwarded to me by self-avowed Christians. I've watched a video that has finally linked illegal Mexican immigrants to 9/11. I've read that, should Obama win the election, Christians would no longer be allowed to freely worship their God. Just this morning I read an email about how much more stoic the flood victims in Iowa have been when compared to those of Katrina. Seriously?

For a while, I tried to reply to the most offensively misleading or false forwards I got. But I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth even trying. If people can actually be so myopic and fallacious in their thinking and reasoning as to give credence to this crap in the first place, how am I to make a difference?

What scares me is the ease and speed with which misinformation is spread via the internet, and that there are hundreds of thousands of misguided people who will be taking all this crap with them to the polls. We should all be frightened.

Before I start getting angry replies here, I'd like to address my own obvious bias. I make no bones about the fact that I am liberal in my political views. However, I know and respect many people whose views are quite the opposite. In no way do I feel that I have all the answers, or that someone's opinions are valid only so far as they align neatly with mine. We all have our passions, we all have our priorities, and we all have the right to our own opinions. I only ask that they be considered opinions, arrived at through reflection and reason. I resent being looked at as somehow 'less moral', 'less patriotic', or 'less spiritual' because of my politics. Because it is precisely my deep sense of right and wrong, justice and injustice, the morals and ethics I hold most dear that make me who and what I am.

But the ridiculous, mean-spirited, unproductive, frighteningly often racist and xenophobic propaganda - OPINIONS dressed up as and passing for FACT, that just makes me sad. It worries me for our collective intelligence as a people...as a democracy.

Sadder still when I get these hateful things from family members and friends I have long looked up to and respected. People whom I know consider themselves good Christians. People I have always considered good people.

As passionate as I am in my beliefs, I always strive to remain open minded and if I learn something new and compelling I have no problem adjusting my views accordingly. How sad that lately the only thing I've had occasion to reevaluate in regards to these emails is my respect for their senders.

Love This...

Funeral BluesStop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-- W.H. Auden