The End Times Are a Coming and Hell is Gonna Be Crowded

You know, nothing works my nerves quite like having complete strangers attempt to save my mortal soul. You know the type. They always have some little pocket-sized book with the path to righteousness plainly mapped out in four or five 2x3 pages. Apparently, these folks are in the Express Lane to nirvana, I mean have you seen the size of the Book everyone else is carrying? No wonder these check-out line prophets are becoming so numerous. I, personally, find it terribly intrusive to imply that I am a wayward sinner and go about inquiring as to the state of my spiritual affairs before you've even bought me dinner. Unfortunately, this sort of thing always seems to happen to me when I am in no position to protest, for instance while at work. (I’m in customer service. Pretty sure rebuking a customer’s chosen deity would not fall on the "good" end of that spectrum.) Not to mention, heathen though I may be, I do my damnedest to respect my elders. Then there is the ever-present and not insignificant fear, in my present surroundings, of the possibility of being burned in effigy at the proverbial stake should I deign to question THE one and only southern-fried God. You know, part of me is marginally impressed, once I recover from the initial shock and awe of this self-righteous social effrontery. It does take a sizable pair of cojones to start a conversation like that. I have struggled for uncomfortable minutes to find the words simply to tell someone their fly is down. How much more stressful must it be to advise someone that they are in fact on a one way pleasure cruise to hell! People have a nasty tendency to wanna shoot the messenger.

So last night at work I had one of these ballsy bible-thumpers as a customer. I just smiled unconfortably and nodded as she blessed me, my family, the diabetes I or anyone I know may have in the future, her groceries and pretty much everyone else within earshot who made the colossal mistake of standing too close, too long. (Though this post is written in jest, I am not exaggerating about the extent of the blessings.) She then said to me, “He’s coming back soon, you know,” and, a little confused, I in all sincerity reply, "Who, Daniel (co-worker)? No, he’s got an hour for lunch today. Is there something I can help you with?" And she just looks at me and says, “Jesus is coming back. He really is. Get ready,” all with this fascinating smug and knowing smile on her face. As if she were privy to some special knowledge the rest of us were not. You'd have thought the Savior Himself had just hit her up on the Direct Connect while she was browsing the produce section. Some nerve she has! How does she know I’m not already ready? What exactly was it about the way I look, or the way I smiled and asked “Did you find everything okay?” that screamed heathen to her? For all she knew, I could have Him on the Nextel, too. Now I'll admit, if Jesus were to come knocking today, he’d probably have to wait on the porch for just a minute while I hurriedly shoved all my dirty clothes in the closet and stuffed all the books cluttering my bed underneath it. I also look a hot mess, as I’m still in pjs and haven’t showered yet this morning. But as surely Jesus understands, that’s a risk you take when you drop in unannounced. Surely He would call first! I mean, look at how far in advance He got Revelations out there. Seems to be on top of things to me. ;o) So, I kid, but those encounters do make me incredibly uncomfortable. I'm pretty shy, as it is, and do well to make small talk. Discussing religion with a total stranger is just not something I'm up to. And I really do wonder why they're always after me!?! I'm a choir girl compared to some of my other 'colleagues'.

So that’s last night. Fresh on the heels of this revelation, I come across some of the lamest crap I’ve seen on myspace yet. Some ignorant snot-nosed 19 year old has posted this ludicrous diatribe written by “FRED”, whoever the hell that moron is, which is ostensibly about slavery reparations, but uses this platform to expound upon every negative racial stereotype there is, and spew his hateful racist venom across the world wide web. I’m debating on whether I should repost it here, so you all can see how NOT to talk to me, what NOT to say to me, and how NOT to think if you want to remain my friend. I decided to just post the link. You can check out his horseshit and my comment, until he deletes it anyway, at

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&friendID=28272475

**update: my scathing comment was deleted pretty much immediately. And both of his most hateful blogs shortly thereafter. Eeen-teresting. **

Don’t get me wrong, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but those with hateful racist ones have no place in my life. If you are stupid enough to judge a person at first glance by the color of their skin, treat them badly accordingly, and are so myopic in your thinking that you can’t even fathom for a moment another person’s DIFFERENT experience of life, well then you have nothing to offer me. And if you’re Christian and racist, like this cat no doubt proclaims himself to be, I have even less time for you. Because that makes you not only stupid, but also a hypocrite, two social afflictions that I find insufferable.

I’m tired of all the hypocrisy that fills my world every single day, from the moment I wake up and read the paper, to the moment I turn off the computer and go to bed. Currently, the hypocrites who are pissing me off the most are the ultra right-wing conservative evangelicals. Hypocrites. A la carte Christians. Like the disgusting Westboro Baptist clan, for example. Somehow their Bibles must read different than mine. And they seem to feel that only some of the rules the rest of us faithfully follow apply to them, that they can pick the ones they're okay with following, use them to persecute and condemn others, and just ignore the rest. But that's a whole 'nother, not at all funny story. And I gotta go to class. Later, taters!