Moving On

The things that are good for you in life are seldom ever easy. The healthy food tastes like so much crap. Bettering yourself through exercise or education, well, it's hard work. And saying goodbye to someone you love, even though you know they are bringing you down, hurts.

I lost a friend tonight. A friend I believed I'd have forever. Turns out, I was wrong. I've 'lost' this friend in the past, only to find myself right back there again. But this time is different. This time I am not crying as much. This time I'm through fighting. I am just so tired. Too tired to ever try again.

There was a time when I could trust him. A time when happiness wasn't completely realized until it was shared with him. A time where his advice was indispensible, rock-solid, and so right most of the time. But things are different now.

He has hurt me more than any one person ever has. He lied and lied until I honestly believe he could no longer discern truth. That's what happens to habitual liars. You can only live surrounded by untruth for so long before it eventually becomes pathological. Deception infects you and grows like a fast-spreading cancer until there is no part of your life, no corner of your soul left untainted. Trust can not be destroyed and rebuilt an infinite number of times. There are limits. I reached mine with him a long time ago. I was naive enough to think we could be friends.

I have defended my actions and my feelings for the last time. I have listened to the Today's Special list of my featured faults one last time, and I realize that the person on the other end of the phone has no idea who I am. Three years, and all he knows of me is the character he has created in his mind that made it justifiable for him to treat me the way that he did. Why did he lie to me? My fault. I shouldn't have been upset when he told me about the other woman he was fucking. He believed that the fact that he was honest when he could have lied should give him absolution, spare him the discomfort of seeing me cry, of seeing the effects of his actions. I should have been grateful that he was honest. For him, the offending action was that of confession, not that which was the subject of said confession. He couldn't tell me the truth anymore, because I didn't know how to react with the appropriate amount of gratitude.

It is somewhat relieving that i do not have to be wrong all the time anymore. I will miss the good times that we had. But I look forward to better. I deserve better. I don't need him anymore. I'm realizing now that I never really did.