Life's been hard lately. I've felt alone. I've felt defeated. I've found myself picking up pieces of a life I no longer recognized, and at a complete loss as to how to fit them all together again.
But things are starting, slowly, to feel a little better. I'm accepting the things and the people that I finally realize I can't always control. And I'm trying hard to move forward and tackle the things that I can.
I've been bouncing back and forth between Tallahassee and Panama City as I have struggled to make work the relationship I thought was going to be forever. I see now that it isn't, and I think I might still be okay. I didn't think I was going to be able to forgive him and be his friend. I didn't think I could let him go. But a wise friend recently told me that these things take time. And as hard as it is to admit, as hard as it is to not talk everyday to the man who has been my closest friend and my lover for more than two years, I think he is right. I've been selfish, and I've been letting my anger and hurt turn me into someone I am just not. Someone I don't like. Someone I am not proud of. But I intend to do better.
I've met new people. Nice people that I enjoy being around. I've reconnected with some that I sadly lost touch with.
Tomorrow, my best friend all through middle and high school and I are going on a road trip. We are going to Atlanta to see the Black Crowes play at the Tabernacle, and we will be sitting in the front row. That is incredibly exciting to me, as their music has meant a lot to me personally. But what has lifted my spirits more than anything is that this person, whom I've done a less than decent job of keeping in touch with over the years, is taking time out of her incredibly full and busy life just to spend a weekend with me. I think this is just exactly what I need, and I am so excited I can't sleep. Like a kid on Christmas Eve.
The most important thing though, is that I think I'm going to be okay. I really do. Rebuilding a life, starting over, it's not easy. But I've always liked a challenge, and I'm finally beginning to feel up to this one.
