Liberty, Justice and Vibrators for All

Found this online, and laughed like crazy. She makes a good point, though. Enjoy.

Liberty, Justice and Vibrators for All

It occurs to me tonight, that most civilians probably have no idea what it feels like to know your sex life is completely under the control of the United States Army. I, unfortunately do. My boyfriend has been overseas for almost a year now. And let me just say, there is a very good reason the Army calls it a 'HARDship tour'. He won't be able to come home for midtour leave until Christmas either. And of course they can't even promise he'll come home then.

So...what's a girl to do, people ask. Aside from buying my batteries at Sam's Club in bulk, and ordering many toys off the internet, I have to rely on my boyfriend to know when I've had all I can take and call me for a very intimate conversation.

However, when going over my last few bank statements, I've come to the conclusion that I'm spending way too much money on sex toys and porn. Now granted, I do have a libido that, if properly harnessed, could provide enough electricity for a small country, but I'm sure all this pent up sexual frustration is a common problem with military wives and girlfriends.

The military makes it known that it is extremely important for the mental stability of soldiers that their women stay faithful while they are deployed...not that most of us wouldn't anyway. They even have special pin ceremonies, performed by the chaplain, wherein the soldier and his girlfriend pledge to remain faithful to each other during their separation.

Therefore, my question to the Army and the policy makers of our government is this...If our celibacy is so damn important to you, could you at the very least consider passing out 'survival kits' to the women left behind when you take our men away for years at a time?


Kits should include:

1 industrial strength vibrator (you guys build and operate powerful equipment...make us some heavy duty Army issued camouflage vibrators)

A card to present to the cashier at the PX (or any discount store) which guarantees us free batteries and lube for the duration of our soldier's deployment

And a stack of patches to sew on the *** of all our pants/skirts/shorts, that reads: "PROPERTY OF (insert soldier's rank and name), PROTECTED BY THE UNITED STATES ARMY". That way every guy who checks out our *** knows it belongs to someone who carries a big gun and isn't afraid to use it. It should also be a finable offense for a guy to persistantly hit on a girl if she is wearing one of these patches. (It never ceases to amaze me just how many low-lifes there are out there who will try to convince girls that they're wasting their lives waiting for a soldier to return home...that the girl would be much happier and more satisfied with THEM. Yeah, right...like that kind of bullshit would work on a girl like me!)

Adding some guaranteed 'alone time' on the phone with our soldier at least once a month would also be a huge bonus for all involved. (And I bet the boost in morale would benefit the mission as well.) There would need to be a small private room in every camp, a closet would even work, (nothing fancy, just a phone, a bottle of lotion, some tissues and a comfy chair). The guys could sign up for time whenever they weren't on missions or training.

I'll leave ya'll with this question...if the government isn't going to subsidize my sex toys, can I at least write them off on my taxes as a contribution to the military?