No Light, No End, Just Tunnel

I’ve been struggling for weeks to find that ‘will to live’ that I hear people talk about. It’s been an exercise in futility. If it weren’t for the people who love me, who I know would be hurt by my loss, I think I would have given up already. I’ve been telling myself that it’s not that I ‘want to die’, but that I just ‘can’t want to live any longer.’ Semantics, really. And it all ends up the same, doesn’t it?


I love my family. I love my friends. I would never intentionally hurt any single one of them. But I am hurting so bad. People don’t understand my not wanting to stick around. They say things will get better. But they are not getting better. Every day is just another day without her. And it’s not like I’m depressed over a break-up, reeling from the rejection and all that. That kind of loss is remediable. New loves come along. But my baby can never come back. She can never be replaced. There is no light to be found at the end of this tunnel. She’s gone. And I wish I’d gone with her.

I’m sorry that my feeling this way hurts the people who care about me. It makes
 it hard to talk to anyone. I’m sure to them it sounds something like, “I love you, but you’re not enough to make this life worth living.” And so I just don’t say anything at all.

I can remember when my Grandma’s cancer took a turn for the worse, and when they said there was nothing else that could be done. They put her in hospice care. I remember how angry I was at everyone involved. How I felt like they were just giving up. Surely there was something that could be done! It took me a long time after she died to realize that there really was nothing to be done. And watching her fading away, seeing the pain that she was in during those last weeks, though losing her hurt more than anything else had so far in my life, I knew that at least she was no longer suffering.  If there was any comfort to be had, it was in that.

I have been very sick before. I went through a time in my life when I was in almost constant pain, physical pain that even though they couldn’t seem to cure, they were able to at least alleviate with medication. Well I’m in pain now. More pain than I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s not physical. There’s no pill for it. Nothing makes it go away. And I don’t see how anything ever will. Time, everybody says. Time heals all wounds. I’m not a believer right now.

I don’t have some plan to end my life. I am much too big a chicken for most of the conventional methods anyway. But I’ll admit that I’ve prayed, prayed hard for God to just take me now. End my suffering and let me be with my little girl. I wouldn’t worry, though. God hasn’t been answering my prayers for a long time. I've no reason to believe He intends to start now.

I do wish I could just die. And I am sorry that I feel that way. I’m sorry for the hurt that causes. But I wish that when that day does come, my family and friends can find some comfort in the fact that my suffering has finally ended. That I am finally free from this tremendous pain. That I am finally where I want to be, with my precious little angel.