I'm hearing a lot lately about what I NEED to do, what I'm SUPPOSED to be feeling. I know that all of these statements come from well-meaning people who care about me, and that they are not all without their merit. But I'm not there yet. And I don't know how to get there.
I'm told that I need to get back out there, be around people, do things. And I've tried, to some extent, to do that. But it's hard. I tried going out to dinner a couple of weeks ago. I knew it was going to be hard to see people, but I decided it was time to try. I made it to the restaurant, even into the lobby where the large group I was meeting waited for a table. And it seemed like every where I turned, there was some happy person holding a beautiful, healthy baby. And it just brought my own loss rushing to the forefront of my mind, and my eyes filled with tears. I knew I was going to lose it, and I just had to get out of there. So I left.
One day this week,
I just started to cry really hard. I just miss her so much. My dad came out to talk to me and told me he thought I needed to get some help. To talk to someone. Well, I'm skeptical at best, because it feels to me like the only thing that can fix me is to have my baby back. And nobody that I can talk to can make that happen. But they can help me learn to deal with this, he said. I have to move forward. He's probably right. I'm smart enough to know that. But I'm not in a place where I am ABLE to find help. I don't even know where to start. I can barely drag myself out of the bed in the morning, much less figure out where to go, who to talk to, how to pay for it, etc.
Could I benefit from some help? Maybe. But I can't make it happen. I need help. And I don't even know who or how to ask for it. I feel so sad all of the time. And I know that I'm supposed to move forward, to keep living and all of that. I feel like I'm at the point where the people around me are ready for me to be farther along in this 'grieving process' than I am. I guess I'm doing it wrong. I feel awful about being so depressing to everyone all the time. I totally understand why people are tired of me. But I can't help it. I just can't seem to get it right. :(
Be depressed as long as you need to..if you do not allow yourself to feel it you will never get around it. It's important to remember everyone grieves differently. your dad means well, but any parent would say the same thing, they dont want to see you suffer. Also, happiness will not at first feel like ecstasy...enjoy the little joys...your frappe, or a funny webcomic(i love those) they will be so fleeting and tiny, but they let you know you are still in the game.
ReplyDeleteTry a support group, go in with low expectations...maybe hearing others who have had things happen to them will help
ReplyDeleteIntensive Crisis Counseling Service at (850) 552-0900