What's Love Got to Do with It?

What DOES love got to do with it? Not a damned thing as far as I can tell. I am sick and I am tired of men running around crying about how nice guys finish last and women are just so impossible to understand. According to them, women, the lot of us, are fickle, irrational, needy, insecure, etc., etc., etc. You know what FELLAS? If the woman in your life is a little insecure, if she is needy, if she has some trust issues, odds are you have another member of your own gender to thank for it.

Most women I know want three basic things from a man. Sometimes all from the same man, sometimes we'll settle for just numbers 2 and 3 from the wrong man. First, when we give you our love, we want to be loved back. Not fixed, rescued, or possessed. Just L-O-V-E love. That's it. Just that simple, show us you love us, and be fucking consistent about it. You'd be amazed at how far a little consistency will go towards eliminating that insecurity you guys so love to hate.

Second, whether we want you, in particular, to love us or not, we always want to be treated with respect. Do I need to spell that one out, too? Surely you've all heard Aretha do it, and I promise she sings considerably better than I do. So, I'm sure you all know the word, but as for the concept? If you say you're going to call or be somewhere, then you'd damn well better call or show up. If for some reason you can't make it or call when you said you were going to, find some way to communicate that fact as soon as you can get to a phone, computer, carrier pigeon, hell - in this information age, there is simply no excuse for leaving someone hanging. It's just plain inconsiderate. You wouldn't treat your colleagues or friends that way. (It does seem like anyone you're even hoping to share a bed with would merit at least an equal amount of courtesy and consideration.) If you make plans, follow through. If something better, more appealing comes up, then be honest, and be prepared for the consequences. Blowing someone off for something better sends a certain message. And people have the right to react to that message. You may find yourself reprioritized right out of their life. But that's their choice. Not yours. Cancelling plans with someone so you can go meet someone new, and making up some lame excuse so as to not burn bridges is fucked up something serious. If and when you're screwing around, SHE is the one who gets to decide whether your ass ever sees the other side of that bridge again. Not you. Simple enough concept.

Which brings us to number three. Women want some action. We have needs just like our sometimes neolithic counterparts. We appreciate being well provided for in that arena every bit as much as you guys do. While certainly an important part of any committed relationship, sometimes we just have an itch that needs to be scratched, no strings attached, and seems to me some of you should be thanking your lucky stars we chose you to do the scratching. But all of a sudden you feel the need to lie. To fabricate some pseudo-relationship in which you really care, and you want us to be your girlfriend, and you can lay it on really thick. You may scare us off right from the jump, or you may actually wear us down, and all of a sudden we find ourselves swept away in the romance of it all, and we allow ourselves to care - the last thing we were looking to do. And then you get your wild monkey loving. And you forget how to use the telephone. And you start lying even more about what's going on. We thought you were a good guy. We don't understand what is going on. It doesn't make sense. All of a sudden, we're the ones chasing you? This is a pain in the ass for everyone. You're crying to your friends about the crazy bitch who won't leave you alone. They're giving you the high fives about how you must have really put it down. We're crying into our pillow over this supposed "boyfriend" who played us for a fool. It doesn't have to be that way. Had you been honest from the start about what you were really looking for, you would be the lucky motherfucker who was getting laid up down and sideways by a woman free from all the expectations, inhibitions, and emotional baggage of a relationship. Your loss, I promise. There is more than enough dick to go around. But a good woman is a little harder to come by. If you're out for some ass, just be out for some ass. Don't insult us with your condescending, patronizing hearts and flowers bullshit. We can either deal with such a relationship, or we can't. But you can't decide that for us. Give us credit for being grown-ups, and we will act like them. And you may find yourself pleasantly surprised.

SOOO, the next time the woman in your life is toting a little more emotional baggage than is convenient for you, take a look around. Those lying, cheating, ball-scratching, beer-belching neanderthals you call friends are the source of many of the various neuroses you wish to attribute to her today. Then take a long hard look in the mirror and see if you're not starting to look a lot like them. And then ask yourself what you plan to do to change it.

*DISCLAIMER* Obviously there are many men out there who are more evolved than those discussed in this diatribe. This, clearly, would not be intended for you. You are much appreciated by those women of us who are tired of being treated like a bunch of silly school girls by men who have no clue what it is that they want. Keep it up, and there is an eternally grateful woman in your future. Karma isn't ALWAYS a bitch.