So times have been more than a little trying lately. I've been stuck in a rut of my own creation, and for a while now have not been able to see any hope of escaping it. I've never had a great sense of direction, but I don't recall a time in my life where I have been so lost. I lost my sense of self, who I was, what I wanted. And when you can't find yourself, don't know where you are, it's virtually impossible to navigate life with any sense of purpose or direction and find your way to your desired destination. You kinda have to know where you're coming from to know where you're heading.
Depression is an ugly, hateful creature. It can turn even the brightest of moments dark, eradicate all traces of hope, and leave you wandering aimlessly and alone in the void of a desperate, desolate existence. I've always felt that the worst kind of lonely is the loneliness you feel even as you walk amongst friends and loved ones. The self-perceived isolation, the feeling that no one can understand the depths of your despair, the however irrational feeling that no one cares... It's rough, to put it most mildly. Reason and logic seem to fly out the proverbial window, and you're left with tiny pieces of who you used to be, and an outlook on life that is remarkable in both its pessimism and downright inaccuracy.
But things are beginning to look up, at least in some areas. I've been without a job for far too long now, dealing with illness myself, sick family members, and the untimely death of someone who meant more to me than I even knew. Every time things seemed to be getting better, something else would hit me. Most recently I received a very polite letter from a probation officer letting me know that the evil bastard who raped me is now finished with his post-incarceration community control. Basically he's free now to do as he pleases. And I now live in an almost constant, though admittedly sometimes irrational, fear of crossing paths with him again. But I digress. Back to the good news! This past week I found a job that greatly interests me, and through a few twists of fate seem on track to get it. The job required 5 more hours of college credit than I currently have, so I was required to take a six week class and pass a test to qualify. On Thursday, I found out that the most recent class had just been completed and that the exam was in two days. Some calls were made, and I was able to just go ahead and take the test sans prep classes. Otherwise, I'd have to wait until March to pass it, and I need a job NOW, not in three months. SO, this morning I show up for the test completely clueless as to what to expect, while the 25 people around me sat cramming from their books and notes. Long story short, despite my nervousness I was the first one to complete the test, and I got a perfect score. So I'm feeling pretty psyched about that. Monday I take in all my paperwork, get fingerprinted, and then I'm officially in the running for this position. Keeping my fingers crossed. Haven't wanted anything this badly in a long time.
On the home front, times are still somewhat turbulent. I'm terribly worried about my significant other, and quite unsure what the future holds for our relationship. The most important thing to me at this point is definitely his happiness. I hope and pray that he can make some sense of his significant inner turmoil and find that happiness again, with me or without me. I love him so completely. Seeing him unhappy is hard enough. The idea that I am contributing in any way to that unhappiness is simply unbearable.
I may not be able to fix whatever is broken in him right now, but I can fix me. I now believe, with a conviction that has been elusive of late, that whatever happens between us, I am going to be OK. And that feels good. Here's to hope, that most welcome of long-lost friends.
I am Amanda, hear me roar!
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