Blah

Well, it's my birthday. And I'm lonesome. And I'm depressed. I don't think I'm quite old enough to be depressed about birthdays yet, so it must be something else. I mean there's plenty to choose from right now. There's the recent and ongoing devastation of Hurricane Katrina. There's the horrible situation in Iraq. Turning on the news just makes me sad and angry these days. I don't even recognize my beloved country anymore. And I wonder sometimes if it will ever get better. Are there still people out there who get it? Do people still care? I'm beginning to have doubts.

I'm still feeling kinda bad from the meningitis. Stay away from that. Not a good time. My head feels like mush when it's not pounding, and I'm told that these little mood swings could be related. I've had so much medicine pumped through my veins the last 3 weeks that I feel pretty sure I glow in the dark. But I'm too tired to stay up and check. I miss school, I miss work, I miss not being tired, and I miss my brain. I'm ready to have my life back. I had so much to do! So much that I cared about. Now it's exhausting to talk on the phone. I've always felt like things happen for a reason. I wonder why this happened to me? I mean, I know I said I wanted to quit smoking by my birthday, and I REALLY wasn't making any progress. But this seems a rather drastic method, don't you think? And expensive. I just got a hospital bill, for more than 25,000 dollars!!! I'm really hoping that they just haven't applied the insurance yet. Because HOLY CRAP! 25,000 bucks!?!?!? Nicorette is pricey, but I don't think it quite compares! Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a life at all right now, as I understand that I came close to losing mine. It's just scary and frustrating and I'm ready to get past it.

SO, I guess the good news is I haven't had a cigarette in almost 3 weeks. That's well past the supposed detox period, so in theory I'm only addicted in my head from now on. So it should be pretty easy to stick with it. I've actually gone days without even thinking of smoking. I really hope I can do it. At least I'll have accomplished something. And I've met someone I think is really incredible. And he makes me smile. A lot. So maybe life doesn't completely suck after all. I'm sure I'll perk up soon.

I really miss my friends and family.